Disillusioned Memories
by Rilianne
Summary: {Implied KanoKido; Happy KNKD Day!; One-shot;} Really angsty one-shot about Kido's "coping."
The girl stood alone on a long, glass walkway. Darkness surrounded her and she could feel it begin to seep into her bones. It was an odd sense of cold and she involuntarily shivered, her knees shaking more than the rest of her body. She felt that if she took even a single step forward, she would inevitably topple off the thin pathway into the black below. What was down there? There was no way of knowing but she felt slightly curious; perhaps that darkness held the rest she so desperately wanted. She blinked, wanting to look around but finding herself completely paralyzed. What was this fear that she felt? Death? No, she no longer feared that… So what—

With a violent start, the girl awoke, her long hair a mess and her desk even more so. Papers were scattered everywhere, filled with the girl's nonsensical thoughts. Rubbing at her eyes, she attempted to focus them on the page directly in front of her. When had she written this? What day was it?

She couldn't even begin to know. Her memory from the past months was blurred, a foggy haze that lacked any sunlight.

How long had it been? Too long.

When would he come back? She needed him… Where was he?

Stiffly, the girl pushed back her chair and stood, stretching her arms over her head. Her mind was still covered in a fog and she took a moment to blink and adjust to being awake before heading toward her bedroom door and twisting the knob. The hallway beyond was dark—similarly to her dream—and she padded down the cold, hardwood floor.

What time was it?

Judging by the snoring from the couch, it was late. Briefly stopping at the living room's entrance, the girl blinked and quickly surveyed the occupants. Sleeping… good, at least some of them were able to rest. Moving on, she made her way further down the hall to the door at the end.

What was this feeling? Nostalgia? No. It felt different from that.

Just as she had reached for the door knob, there was a creaking sound behind her and when she turned, she found a tall, male figure facing her. Without light, it was hard to see too much but she could tell the boy had just woken up.

"Kido?" She blinked; that was her name… right? She tried to reply but when she opened her mouth, nothing came out. "What're you doing? It's late…" Again, nothing came out in response. He took a step closer, realizing finally why she was there in the hall. With a sigh, he pulled her into a hug and his voice was shaky when he spoke again.

"I'm sorry… I know it hurts… but going in there won't help it go away."

What was he talking about? She needed to go in there.

Why? She couldn't even remember at this point but as she stood there with her face pressed against the boy's chest, she felt her eyes begin to sting.

Tears? Why would she be crying? She couldn't understand…

"I'm so sorry… so sorry…" His voice was solemn and quiet, and he began to rub her back in comfort.

 **Lies.**

"He's not coming back, Kido…"

 ** _No._**

She pushed away from the boy roughly and glowered, the emotions threatening to spill from her eyes.

"I'm sorry…" He seemed shocked by her sudden movement but stood silently as she turned and flew open the door she'd previously been stood before.

The room was still, not even a breeze touched the contents. Everything seemed impeccably clean and tidy—nothing at all like its resident would keep it. Light streamed mercilessly in the single window and it was obvious that the bed was empty.

 **Lies.**

She hastily took a step inside, feeling the weight of her sorrows come crashing down all around her.

 **No, no,** ** _no!_**

Her vision blurred as the room's familiar scent filled her senses. As though she was standing back on that isolated walkway, she shivered. Everything felt unreal as she very slowly made her was to the bedside.

He never would've made his bed… **_Did I do this?_** She had no answer and no voice left to ask the air.

How long had this room been untouched?

Who was it that had stayed here?

 ** _Who was he?_** Why couldn't she remember?

He felt important—like he was the sunlight that was missing in her life, the glue that held her pieces together—and now that he was gone—

 ** _No. He's not gone._**

He couldn't be gone. She had always been there when he needed him so surely, now that she needed him, he would show up with that stupid smile. He'd open his arms for her and she'd be okay again. She just had to wait for him.

 ** _Right?_**

She could do that… she could wait.

There were footsteps behind her and she turned, not having even realized the raven haired boy was still there. Now, in the more generously lit room, she could see the trails of his tears that led down his face. Did she also look like that?

"Kido…" she flinched as he used her name, was she even still herself? His expression softened, "T-Tsubomi…" Her eyes began to drip, she steadied herself on the bedside, and the boy continued speaking.

"I don't want to believe it either… but Shuuya isn't going to come back," he fidgeted as he spoke.

 **Lies. So many lies. They were all liars. Couldn't they all just leave her alone?**

 ** _Couldn't they all just shut up?!_**

Angrily, she glared at the boy, again trying to form her words.

"Shut up…" her voice was hoarse and it felt foreign. She hadn't used it in weeks and she couldn't keep it from cracking slightly.

"Tsubomi, please…"

"Shut up!" As heavy tears hit the floor below, images of a golden-eyed boy with choppy blonde hair flooded her thoughts. The darkness filled her bones and she cried out, pushing away at the memories in vain.

"Shut up! I don't believe you!"

"Tsubomi, please!" He stepped forward again, reaching a hand out to steady herself, her entire body shook with rage. As her mouth opened again to accuse him, a very clear memory surfaced—the one memory she had purposefully locked away.

 **A limp body, warm, sticky liquid. It was everywhere. Why?** ** _Why?!_**

Her knees gave out and she toppled into her own personal oblivion. Her own voice began to sob, distant from her aching chest, as she clutched at the floor, desperate for support. She could feel herself breaking apart; her heart shattering and her vision blackening.

Sleep. That's all she really wanted. If she slept, she could see him. The apartment was filled with the girl's cries as she was finally forced to face her biggest fear.

Kano Shuuya would not be returning to her and the next time she came across that isolated walkway, she swore she would jump into that unforgiving blackness.

 ** _A/N: I'm so sorry for not having updated in a really long time, I'm so close to being done with Road Trip's next chapter as well as Closest Thing To Magic's next chapter (not to mention all of the drabbles I need to finish and the new series that I meant to post on Valentine's Day) so maybe I'll finally be able to finish those... Sorry! I really hope you like this one and happy KanoKido day to you all!_**

 ** _If you have any suggestions for fics, I'll be opening up requests soon so that I'll hopefully be able to get back into the swing of things and if you have any critiques for this fic, please make sure to comment with them! Unfortunately this came out a little rushed so again, I hope it's alright! Thank you and as always, I appreciate you all for the support you give me and I'll see you next time!_**


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